I have realised that I am merely an assortment of arbitrary puzzle pieces that do not culminate to a greater whole but sit at odds amongst each other like a rabble of all the friends I’ve ever had.
“She said I was interested in everything and committed to nothing” Gregory David Roberts—Shantaram
I am forever ricocheting around from one idea to the next like a pin ball trying to hit the jackpot.
Who am I?
All those enlightened sages who profess “the answers are within” do not help, not when it comes to pleasing the mind.
The heart knows though; it wants simplicity not multiplicity
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Thus far I’ve spent 2017 burrowed in the search for a glimmer of ephemeral ideas to be reflected externally rather than reflected through me. A momentum that eludes you to feel that to be a grand repository of information is more important than to know yourself.
Holding all of these juxtaposing ideas and paradoxes together in your mind takes a lot of work, causing a flickering neurosis to occur. You don’t know whether you’re on or off, right or wrong, true of false—so you stay mute and insulate yourself from having to be anything at all which provides a temporary panacea and the mind does get to quiet but it requires seclusion.
The fragments that make up this unrecognisable portrait do coexist quite beautifully when I am alone, but when the world yearns for me to reveal my true identity—to remove the omissions and find form—I evade having to be a tangible entity. The world (source, god, some higher deity) yearns lovingly and true; it doesn’t want a fragmented human trying to please everyone with a omni-pleasant disposition— to be complimentary and congruous to all environments.
The world only wants the embodiment of what it means to be a human being, not a human thinking.
gentlemaanjames 