Social Loner

Sometimes someone will say something to me that hits a chord, that challenges my whole existence. The truth is I don’t know anything, I am learning and growing and I am trying to become the best me I can be, and I am earnest in that quest. Sometimes I cannot find the answers yet, I haven’t dug deep enough to find the blocks within my persona that keep me feeling a type of way about something. Lord knows I am searching for the truth, at my core I am good human being and I want to feel connected to all those around me in my community.

I do have a tendency to be a Social Loner. The socialness is something I have learnt over time or should I say remembered, My predisposition in this world was to be a socially curious being. People would always tell me I would ask 21 questions, so there has been this natural enjoyment found in connecting with people for me.  But for a long while, I felt too consumed in my own problems that I really had nothing to talk about, low self-esteem and not a great deal of desire to interact with people for these reasons. It didn’t seem a necessity in my life as it once was because my anxiety was so palpable that it was the only thing that was talking to me, “stay home, stay safe” my mind would say to me. Last year I made a choice to throw myself into the wild, to start networking and making new friends. I was ready because the people I was surrounded with were no longer walking the same path and I knew in my hearts of hearts I had to find some kindred spirits. It took a long time to get ready for that leap,  a lot of internal shit to work through but I made it.I was successful! I made friends I’ve had some great experiences and I started really developing my social muscles.

But for all my social skills I still find myself alone a lot of the times, and I am completely ok with it…. I actually love my own company, a little too much some may say! However for as long as I am in this human body I yearn for deep connections with people. I desire someone in my life that can just be with me without talking, without proving their worth, completely content in who they are in this moment. That is what I represent, and I am willing to float down life’s stream. Every moment is possible, every experience is sacred and my heart is open. I am not exclusive I am inclusive but I still want a core network of people to confide in, to represent something greater for me.

I witness my own unattachment to people and it is as though I am chasing perfection or I am not settling to spend time with people I “think” I understand. I seem to love everyone fleetingly until I feel I “know” them enough to fool myself into the notion that I have experienced everything with them. In terms of romantic relationships my finish line as a man never ends in a climax, it is a visualisation towards 50, 60 years from now when we are both old and wrinkly and I ask myself do I want to be with this person on that level, do I love them enough to love them forever.

I am still uncovering my issues around the very thing I desire. I am a walking paradox. My own energy is my bread and butter it can sustain me throughout all seasons but I want a flavourful filling to take my sandwich eating experience to a whole new level.

I will dive deeper into these themes in due course. Feel free to share my writings.

James